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Fabian's Movie Reviews

What you SHOULD have gotten out of these movies.

UPDATED: 9/13/01


Am I a professional movie reviewer? No, and I would never want to be one. The idea of having to sit through agonizingly bad movies for a living isn't to apealing to me, and it shouldn't appeal you either! That is why I will list movies that I found enjoyable when I watched them just in case you might be interested in watching them for yourself. Click the pictures to visit the movies' website. To protect the young, I will not recommend any porn on this site. (LOL!) You will have to check out my new porn site when it is up and running.

Clerks Website

This is the movie that started it all for director Kevin Smith. I have repeatedly recommended this movie to a number of my friends, but most of them don't understand the humor. First of all, the humor isn't too hard to understand. This was a very low budget independent film (that explains why it was filmed in black and white). It relies heavily on excellent dialoque (written by Mr. Smith) and maximizes the effectiveness of the four locations used throughout the whole film. So if you are looking for stupid physical gags, go watch Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. (Which was Keanu Reeve's best movie he ever acted in... You're right, he didn't act in it.)

Randall's opinion about social events.

Mallrats Website

WARNING! You must see Clerks to catch some of the inside jokes!

Another movie with some great dialoque, but because of the bigger budget (this movie is in color!), there are more visuals for you Bill and Ted enthusiests!

Chasing Amy Website

The third installment of the "Jersey Trilogy." This is my favorite movie Kevin Smith movie. This will probably be the funniest love story you will ever see because no one else has the balls to make a movie like this. BY THE WAY, if you haven't seen Clerks and Mallrats, you better rent them now!

Never take your eyes off THE MAN!

Dogma Website

Two angels exiled from heaven to Wisconsin find a loophole that will allow them to reenter heaven. Yup, this movie is as f---ed up as it sounds! I hope you watch the other three movies by Kevin Smith first, but you probably could get away with seeing this one without seeing the others.

J&SBSB Website

You have to see every Kevin Smith movie to catch all of the inside jokes for this movie. I also recommend visiting the following website before watching the movie.


Star Wars: The Phantom Menace Website

SYNOPSIS: Obi Wan Kenobie kicks Darth Maul's ass!

Star Wars: A New Hope Website

SYNOPSIS: Obi Wan Kenobie comes out of hiding, and begins to teach The Force to a scrub farmboy named Luke Skywalker. Their ship is captured by the Death Star by a tractor beam. Obi Wan walks defiantly to the tractor beam control station undetected to turn it off. Obi Wan then toys with Darth Vader long enough for Luke to watch the battle. At this time, Obi Wan takes a dive to become more powerful than Vader can ever imagine. Obi Wan's spirit inspires Luke to destroy the Death Star.

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back Website

SYNOPSIS: Obi Wan Kenobie appears to Luke Skywalker. Obi Wan informs Luke to be trained by the Jedi Master Yoda. Han Solo is chased through an asteroid field by imperial ships. (This scene is reminiscent of my driving skills in Norfolk, VA in my Saturn.) Luke gets his hand cut off. Han is frozen in Carbonite.

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi Website

SYNOPSIS: Obi Wan has to define TRUTH to Luke. Muppets. Luke beats Vader to near death. Emperor beats Luke to near death. Vader throws the Emperor over ledge. Muppets. Han leads team to destroy the deflector shield that is protecting a new Death Star. Muppets. Lando and Wedge lead fighters to destroy new Death Star. Obi Wan Kenobie looks on approvingly.

Which did you like better, Jedi or Empire?

SYNOPSIS: Hawkeye, Uncas and Chingachgook run through the forest,alot. Hawkeye hooks up with Cora Munro. Uncas tries to hook up with Alice Munro (I personally don't blame him.). Uncas gets killed by Magua when he tries to save Alice. Alice then jumps off a cliff. Chingachgook then lays the smack down on Magua with his hatchet/ax.

Keanu can act!?!?!? I don't think so. Keanu's limited acting ability is hidden very well by a bad ass performance courtesy of Lawrence Fishburne and bad ass special effects.